i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
