my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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