i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
