I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Randomize
