Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
