dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize