On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
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