My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
