My cat gives me a boner
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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