Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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