if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Randomize
