fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
