he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
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