i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
