I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
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