Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Randomize