Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
