K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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