sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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