I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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