when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
