It's like a parade of train wrecks.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
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