My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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