It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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