I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize