It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
