If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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