do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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