I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
