i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
