mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
