Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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