I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize