i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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