I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
