My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
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