I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
