Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
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