You're a womanizer and a bitch.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
