I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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