Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
