dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize