Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize