it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Randomize
