hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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