i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
