I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
