And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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