I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
