drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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