I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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