I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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