Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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