I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Randomize
