dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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