you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
