so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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