mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
