I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
