Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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