I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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